PART 2
2:56 PM – INT – BATHROOM
Mark locks the bathroom door
MARK
(inner monologue)
All this talk of shitting and now I have to go
Mark looks over at the last toilet roll
MARK
(inner monologue)
Oh God, this is it. The last roll, the endgame. Welcome to the point of no return, highway to the danger zone. Bloody Jez wanting me to use kitchen paper like some sort of crack addled maniac. Well while we’re throwing around stupid ideas why don’t we pretend we’re cavemen and just use rocks to scrape our arses
Mark picks up the roll
MARK
(inner monologue)
I could unravel this roll and divide it into two rolls of an even sheet count, leaving each man for themselves. But even then he can’t be trusted to use each sheet sparingly and then it’ll still be my problem. I should just take a massive shit and use it all.
Mark undoes his belt to lower his trousers
MARK
(inner monologue)
Who would’ve thought, world wide pandemic and this is the only asset that even matters. Me dying right now would be the equivalent of an ash encased Pompeian clutching a stick with a sponge attached to the end. This single roll may be the mark of our civilisation
Mark sits on the toilet
MARK
(inner monologue)
I guess during a shit hits the fan situation, in the end it’s all about shitting (stomach tenses) Seems like there is some artillery left to fire (stomach tenses). Ok, Corrigan, looks like it’s action stations. I didn’t expect to be deploying so soon but looks like the target is in position, bombs ahoy (tenses stomach) Wow oh this is pushing out with ease. This could be a whole new challenge I set for myself on how long I can make this last as one whole even piece. Ok, wait! No it’s all done. Second one of the day though. I must be pretty well hydrated or am I not usually hydrated enough?
Mark reaches for the depleting toilet roll
MARK (inner monologue)
Moment of truth and what’ll be the damage. I’ll start with the classic two squares folded and assess onward from there. Oh my gosh, no mess! It’s clean! Amazing, two squares folded to essentially one square, one and done! With bowels motions like that and If I lived by myself just think of the money I’d save just on toilet paper alone as well as not have to deal with him and his, never mind. Then I’d be alone
3:26 PM – INT – OUTSIDE MARKS BEDROOM
jez scrolling on phone
JEZ
WOW Mark look!
MARK
What?
Jez hold up his phone
JEZ
Look what Superhans just sent me
Mark is presented with an image of pallets of toilet rolls
MARK
Where did he get them?
JEZ
I’ll ask, but there’s more than enough rolls to go around
MARK
We could go a whole other lock down, a full winter wankfest with that
JEZ
I know!
MARK
Lock it in Jez. When can he get it here
JEZ
I’ll find out
4:07 PM – INT – LOUNGE ROOM
Jez is talking on the phone, pacing around the room
JEZ
Yeah, just a few packs of bog rolls mate. Whatever you can spare
MARK
More than that, as much as possible
Jez gesturing okay to Mark as he continues talking on phone
JEZ
That sounds great
MARK
(inner monologue)
I really dislike the word “bog roll”, “bog”. “Bog roll” for the “bog”, having “a bog”, in the “bog”
JEZ
Half a vans worth, coolio thanks mate
MARK
Do we have them?
JEZ
Yes we do
MARK
Did you say he has half a van?
JEZ
I did
Jez and Mark both cheer
MARK
Thank God! Oh Hans how is that beautiful bastard?
JEZ
He’s had his ups and downs but since Covid business is booming
MARK
What industry?
JEZ
Covid things
MARK
What stealing toilet paper from peoples homes to sell at a premium or does he make hand sanitiser in his bath tub?
JEZ
No. Just before Covid hit, he got into wholesale cleaning supplies. He figured it was a recession proof industry and here we are pretty much in a recession
MARK
He’s like a cockroach isn’t he. He always finds a way to survive
JEZ
I don’t know about you but this calls for a bathroom booze up. Your shout!
4:14 PM – INT – BATHROOM
MARK
Funny how these people from the past are always still around in our lives, popping up at random times
JEZ
Well I talk to Superhans still occasionally. I just don’t say anything after you had a go at him for cutting off the end part of the rug that time
MARK
Lets not rehash that one mate
MARK
(inner monologue)
Prick!
JEZ
Was meaning to ask you a question about pooing. What did they do in the war times?
MARK
I don’t know I wasn’t there
MARK
(inner monologue)
Like I’m going to give you any ideas
MARK
So how do we get the supplies from Superhans?
JEZ
He said he’ll drive past, call us as he’s unloading them out the front and then drive off, completely contact-less. He’s pretty paranoid about getting the rona
MARK
Hans scared? The virus should be more scared of him
JEZ
He believes it’s both man made and from China so two major unknown variables for him
MARK
I don’t know what he even means by that but I guess best not to tempt fate
JEZ
So we’ll just kick back in the meantime and when it’s go time it’s show time
Mark looks at his watch and gets up
MARK
I might get a bit of Crusader Kings 2 in before it’s show time for the birthday video call. I’ll take a beer for the road
4:45 PM – INT – MARKS BEDROOM
Mark is on his computer playing a computer game and Sophie calls
SOPH
Hi Mark, just wanted to remind you the party’s at 6
MARK
Hey, Oh no, shit no. 6 yeah I’m counting down. No, fuck
SOPH
Are you playing computer games?
MARK
No, just some fucken arsehole shit, on this program for work
SOPH
Are you drunk Mark?
MARK
What? no, Just a little fatigued from all the work
SOPH
Okay, you sound a bit slurry is all
MARK
Slurry from work exhaustion (mumbles) shit
Jeff calls out in the background of Sophie’s phone
JEFF
Still playing computer games are we Marky (laughs)
MARK
Is that Jeff?
SOPH
He popped over for Ian’s birthday with his kids. They’ll probably crash here for the night
MARK
Popped by? I live closer than him and its a 3 hour round trip for me. Ian’s party would already be deemed as an illegal gathering. Otherwise I’d bloody well be there
SOPH
He’s Ian’s godfather if you forgot. His kids and Ian are close. He even called Ian first thing this morning and surprised him with a visit
MARK
Okay fine whatever
SOPH
He’s been a big help with the party
MARK
(inner monologue)
Yeah I bet. Oh thanks for helping blow some balloons Jeffie now how about I blow you as a thank you for your efforts
MARK
Okay you’ve made your point. So is Ian there?
SOPH
I don’t know why you have to be such a dickhead sometimes
MARK
Are we not in a global pandemic?
SOPH
I’m going Mark
MARK
(inner monologue)
Fuck!
4:45 PM – INT – MARKS BEDROOM
MARK
Honestly Jez, that Jeff, he’s just such a shit muncher and he knows it. The whole ‘co-parenting’ is bullshit. Fucking Jeff is there looking like a hero while the whole world goes to shit. I have no parental input, did you know that Ian didn’t even go to school today
JEZ
But it’s his birthday?
Mark glares at Jezz unimpressed
MARK
That seat sniffing shit muncher rearing his head every couple of months. I just.. him of all people at my sons birthday and I’m not because I’m “doing the right thing”
JEZ
Fuck it did you want to get in the car right now and we’ll drive there, we could make it in time for the party
MARK
I considered it but with the Superhans supply coming in, we can’t afford to miss the drop off
Mark angrily rips a pair of headphones that are tangled
MARK
And fuck undoing this gordian knot, I’m ordering a pair of blue tooth ones right now off Amazon
6:00 PM – INT – LOUNGE ROOM
Mark has his tablet propped up and Jez and him both are wearing party hats
MARK
Hi Ian!! Happy Birthday!!!
IAN
Thanks dad
MARK
Uncle Jez is here too
JEZ
Happy Birthday!
IAN
Hey Uncle Jez
MARK
Did you have a good day?
IAN
I rode my bike you got me dad
MARK
So happy to hear. I wish I was there with you riding along
IAN
I miss you dad
MARK
I miss you too. The very second this lock down is over I’ll be right over there. We’ll go to the park and the movies and an arcade. We’ll have the best time
Jez’s phone is ringing
JEZ
It’s Superhans
MARK
Shit! Answer it
Everyone is preparing to sing Happy Birthday to Ian
IAN
Hey dad, uncle Jez are you ready
MARK
Yes we are!
JEZ
Fuck. He said he’s down stairs
MARK
What now? Shit. They’re about to do the song
SOPH
Okay everyone are you ready to sing Happy Birthday to Ian. Daddy and Jez are here too
Jez is at the window looking down as Superhans unloads large stacks of toilet roll packages, looking upward and gives a thumbs up
JEZ
This is not a drill
MARK
I’m not ready, not now. Tell him to stop
JEZ
I can’t just yell at him
MARK
Yes you can, tell him to stop
JEZ
There’s so much toilet paper
MARK
Why is he being so efficient
JEZ
I think he’s nearly done
MARK
Call him!
JEZ
I’m trying. i think he’s finished dropping them off
MARK
I can’t handle this right now
JEZ
Mark, Mark! Superhans is started his engine, it’s done. There’s a massive stack of toilet rolls
Van’s horn beeps repeatedly
JEZ
He’s pressing the horn. He’s driving off
Music starts playing from the tablets speaker, “HAPPY BIRTHDAY, HAPPY BIRTHDAY”
MARK
Fuck he’s drawing attention to the stockpile. Call him, tell him to guard the stockpile
JEZ
I’m trying he’s on another call
MARK
Why now? No! Fucken fuck
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, HAPPY BIRTHDAY
JEZ
Shit. People are stealing our payload
MARK
Run down there now
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, HAPPY BIRTHDAY
Jez runs past Mark as Mark rushes to the window and yells
MARK
Stop. Theives!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, HAPPY BIRTHDAY
MARK
I’ve called the Police, I’ve called the Police. That’s not covid safe. Jez fucking run
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, HAPPY BIRTHDAY
MARK
No, stop! Hey you put them down. You too. The Police are coming. Desist at this very moment. Hey I know where you live. I hope you die while shitting you old bitch!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, HAPPY BIRTHDAY
9:37 PM – INT – BATHROOM
Mark and Jez both sit quietly in the bathroom with a drink in hand
JEZ
So this whole pandemic thing
MARK
What about it?
JEZ
You know like, how real is it?
MARK
Like if it’s a big control project to usher in a global government
JEZ
No, like if someone with it coughed on me once would I get it
MARK
Probably
JEZ
Would you get a vaccine if they make it?
MARK
Probably
JEZ
Cheer up mate about the whole toilet paper thing. It’ll all work out
MARK
We’ve got no other choice now
Jez looks quietly at the thinning roll
MARK
I’m just so fucking bored that I’d actually even do drugs to escape the menotomy. I remember when drugs were a big part of the fabric of reality for us, well for you. Well I’ve hit the wall and I’d hit the bong or the pipe or snort a rail of Columbia’s finest or munch on shrooms like I was a bloody Mario brother just to do something
JEZ
Well we have no drugs and a bad trip by you could very well undo the fabric of my reality
MARK
I bet if we licked your bedside drawer there’d be some vintage remnants, we’d be seeing space ships and rainbow comets
JEZ
Sadly those days are gone my friend
MARK
Don’t you just miss going out how we did back in the day. Fucking shit up
JEZ
We did?
MARK
We did a little. We had good times. Casual sex with women, there was some, you know debauchery. We lived a bit, not this
Jez
Yeah we did
MARK
Now we just feel like a husband and wife
JEZ
More like sexless companions
MARK
Don’t put it like that, we co-inhabit. More like co-dependents if I think about it
JEZ
Imagine if our lives back then were a tv show. Like the Jez and Mark show. I guess we did have enough going on where we could’ve scraped together an episode every week or two
MARK
Kind of like the odd couple but not some contrived bullshit thrown together like they always do where one person is wacky and the other one has a stick up his arse. But more of a real life balance, kind of like us
JEZ
Sure mate
MARK
Main setting would be this flat with re-occuring characters like Soph, Superhans, even that arsehole Jeff
JEZ
Johnson would’ve been the token black guy
MARK
Don’t put it like that but yes pretty much. Anyway at least we’ve got the memories
JEZ
In some ways it all feels a bit normal
MARK
What? Having society shut down and everyone locked away indoors ad infinitum
JEZ
No I meant me and you in here
MARK
I guess
JEZ
In many ways haven’t we been in a lock down together most of our lives
MARK
I’m going to bed