INT. APARTMENT – LOUNGE ROOM – MORNING
Mark is sitting on the couch, reading the news on his tablet as Jez walks past
MARK
(Inner monologue)
Stuck in a global pandemic with him
Jez is at the table setting up his laptop
MARK
(Inner monologue)
At this rate we’ll live out our entire lives together and one day he’ll find me dead and just continue squatting here until my bank account empties and the electricity gets shut off. He’ll probably keep me here on the sofa as a keepsake, a memento. Unless this virus takes us both out first
MARK
What are you doing?
JEZ
I have a date online later
MARK
Oh okay
MARK
(Inner monologue)
So he’s got a date but is saying nothing
JEZ
(Inner monologue)
Surprised he hasn’t asked about the date
MARK
(Inner monologue)
Hope it’s strictly online. Last thing I need is him going out there and then bringing the virus home to me
JEZ
(Inner monologue)
Wow, he really doesn’t care
MARK
(Inner monologue)
He’s actually not going to say anything and make me just sit here and wonder. I’m so bored that it would constitute as actual news
JEZ
(Inner monologue)
Should I tell him? Does he even care? Probably not
MARK
(Inner monologue
Ah the suspense, fuck it!
MARK
So who is the lucky lady?
JEZ
She’s one of the interviewers of a job I went for but didn’t get. But got a date instead
MARK
So no job but a date?
JEZ
Yeah she said that job was shit anyway and she’ll hook me up with a work from home gig soon
MARK
(Inner monologue)
What in the actual fuck
JEZ
So from no job to blowjob
MARK
(Inner monologue)
Bastard!
JEZ
You want me to ask if there’s anything going for you?
MARK
(inner monologue)
A blowjob would be nice
MARK
No, that’s okay mate. My hours are halved but I’m just waiting to see how this pandemic pans out
JEZ
There’s always the furlough
MARK
We all just can’t “go on the furlough” it’s not the dole. And what about when there’s a vaccine or we somehow become immune and then realise the economy is irreparable due to everyone is at home on the furlough. Anyway what time is your date?
JEZ
Midday. Her lunch time and mine
MARK
Mine too
MARK
(inner monologue)
Generally for most of society also
JEZ
I saw in the fridge you’ve started packing your lunch again
MARK
I need to maintain a sort of regularity
JEZ
That’s not ever going to stop being weird but whatever keeps you from going all redrum on me. Bathroom boozer?
MARK
Jez, it’s not even 10 in the morning
JEZ
It’s half 9. What else are we doing?
MARK
But it’s still very much morning. I just finished my breakfast
JEZ
All work and no play makes Mark a dull boy
MARK
But Jez it’s not even…
MARK
(inner monologue)
Fuck it, at this point I’m not even convincing myself. Bit of a buzz and back to work
JEZ
My shout!
MARK
(Inner monologue)
It’s always really my shout
09:43 AM – INT – BATHROOM
Jez is sitting in the bathtub and Mark is sitting on the toilet, each holding a beer
JEZ
Cheers big ears
MARK
Cheers
JEZ
So day 4862 of lock down
MARK
At least this beard is finally coming in
JEZ
So what’s on for us this evening? Netflix, youtube, dust off a dvd
MARK
Actually I need to run something by you mate, I think I royally stuffed up
JEZ
Sure
JEZ
(inner monologue)
Oh do tell
MARK
It’s Ian’s birthday today and I slept in. I didn’t give him the morning Birthday phone call. I texted Soph some bullshit about an emergency meeting, she said that’s fine. But is it fine?
JEZ
Ouch yeah, tricky. But it’s fine
MARK
“But it’s fine” so your first instinct is, “ouch tricky” and then, “it’s fine”. He’s turning 10. Double digits
JEZ
Can’t you just call him now?
MARK
I already made the bullshit excuse so I’ll space it out a bit till lunch time because the emergency meeting needs to appear as equally important as his birthday. My main concern is that I’ve already missed the morning. That’s when all the excitement and anticipation is. Honestly have I fucked up?
JEZ
{inner monologue)
Probably
JEZ
Look you’re doing your best during these “unprecedented times”. Just buy him some extra gamestation games to fill that father sized void you left him today (laughs)
MARK
Really Jez I’m not in the mood. I’m going back to work
JEZ
I’m only kidding mate
MARK
I just don’t want this to be the start of a string of poor parenting behaviours on my end. In my mind I have this scene of him years later talking about it all in therapy
JEZ
It’ll be okay mate. He’s fine I’m sure
MARK
I know I’m over reacting, it’s just my whole sleep schedule has gone to shit. Let’s forget I said anything. Anyway I really do need to go log back in, apparently work is monitoring how often we’re online
JEZ
When do their prying eyes ever stop. They drop your hours and it seems like you’ve been working more than ever
MARK
And getting paid half of what I was. That’s one of the Covid joys we’ll be left with from this pandemic. Working from home where we do substantially more and are always plugged in and logged on. Unlike the black death at least we were left with some cryptic nursery rhymes about children dying to sing along to in the playground when it’s all over
JEZ
The idea of it sounded more fun initially
MARK
Which?
JEZ
Working from home. No shirt and tie, just pajamas or even no pants.
MARK
Now I get dressed just to feel like I have a reason to get out of bed. I could actually work in bed
JEZ
Like a prossie
MARK
Well I guess I have prostituted myself out my entire adult life. Doing things I don’t really want to do for money, all for strange men that I really don’t like and now I can do it all from my bed
JEZ
I hear you on that. There’s a part of the oldest profession in every profession
MARK
Wise words
JEZ
(Inner monologue)
Wise words indeed my friend
MARK
Next bathroom boozer, I get the bath. I really don’t feel right sitting on this toilet seat. It still feels like I’m shitting with my pants on
JEZ
I might bring in a chair
Mark gets up from the toilet and looks around
MARK
Where’s the toilet paper?
JEZ
Well it’s what’s on the roll holder and that one there. Could it be… the last roll
MARK
The what?!
JEZ
The last roll
Mark looks around the bathroom and becomes visibly distressed
MARK
Is that it? How?
JEZ
Poos
MARK
Seriously, now we are on rations. This has gone on long enough
JEZ
No Mark, I’m not rationing toilet paper
MARK
Yes you will be. I can’t believe this. All we have is one whole roll and what looks like less than a half roll. It looks like a third, it’s just a third
JEZ
I didn’t realise either
MARK
I was arranging for some to be dropped off in a few days
JEZ?
By who?
MARK
Never you mind
JEZ
No, who? You don’t know people, I do. You’re the one that asks me for people
MARK
I’m confiscating the roll
JEZ
No you won’t
MARK
Don’t you fucking touch it
Jez and Mark begin to wrestle with the roll and and squash it
JEZ
There you go you ruined it
MARK
You did that
JEZ
See what happens. It can’t be confiscated, what if one of us really needs to go
MARK
I don’t even care now
JEZ
What if either one of us rushes in and forgets the roll
MARK
At the current rate we’ve gone through about a roll every two days or less
JEZ
What?
MARK
I’m serious Jez. You talk about saving the planet but we’re burning through this at an alarming rate. I can only account for myself but I average about one solid British bowel movement a day, possibly a second every two to three days
JEZ
You are sick. A British poo
MARK
According to the Bristol stool chart, medium brown and solid, no liquid, not a lot of straining
JEZ
Just stop it
MARK
Well I can’t account for your pooing or wanking
JEZ
Wanking?
MARK
If we eat less we’ll poo less and I want you to also physically abstain
JEZ
Fuck off
MARK
And no dairy. I notice how it’s affecting you nowadays
JEZ
You’re not my Doctor
MARK
I’m not joking Jez. Over-eating, wanking and dairy are out
JEZ
This is bullshit
MARK
Look I’ll level with you I’ve got my name down for two packs of 32 rolls, I paid a premium to Mr Patel’s son in law. Who by chance is also a Patel, no relation of course
JEZ
Yes I know Pete
MARK
That’s right, anyway the two 32 packs are days away if that even happens at all. Prices and demands are surging all over
JEZ
When this all started you had us ration food for two days and that was hell
MARK
One roll Jez, we’re fucked. Look just have a little less food, less poo and a few days of self restraint and we can get there
JEZ
There’s kitchen paper and I’m sure there would be some old take away napkins around
MARK
No Jez, you’ve depleted the supplies
JEZ
What about showering?
MARK
Showering? The shower isn’t an oversized bidet
Mark begins to walk out
JEZ
It can be
Mark turns back
MARK
Anything can be anything but this isn’t going to be one of them. It’s not what I bought the hose extension for. And if you dare..
JEZ
I was just about to say they do that in Europe, but I guess we aren’t in Europe anymore, Mr Brexit
MARK
Stop with the accusing me of Brexit. It was a democratic decision that has both negatives and positives that one can objectively acknowledge
JEZ
Well you’ve always been a bit Brexity
MARK
I didn’t even vote, and neither did you
12:09 PM – INT – LOUNGE ROOM
Jez is laughing while enjoying a chat with his date
JEZ
I’ve gotta admit I wasn’t really taking this thing seriously at first. I mean, it seemed like everyone was freaking out over nothing. But then people started getting sick the whole world went into lock down. Then I was like, okay, maybe this is a big deal after all
Mark storms into the room standing near Jez
JEZ
Well they say the birth rate next year will skyrocket, because everyone’s locked up inside just doing it
FEMALE VOICE
Lucky for those that have someone
JEZ
I know! Covid I believe will become know as a not just respiratory virus but also a sexual one
Laughter by both as Mark interrupts
MARK
Where is the last roll?
JEZ
It’s there
MARK
No it’s not, you’ve hidden it
JEZ
I haven’t
Jez turns to the camera and excuses the break in conversation
MARK
Jez, there’s one roll and it’s already beyond the half way point
JEZ
Yeah that is the last, last roll
MARK
What the fuck
JEZ
I needed to go a few times and I used some
MARK
A few times?
JEZ
What did you expect me to do?
MARK
I can’t fucking believe this. I can’t shit properly now
Jez turns to the computer and excuses himself for a moment more
MARK
You didn’t mute the microphone?
JEZ
She can’t hear everything
MARK
Yes she can and she’s heard you talking about shitting
JEZ
Shit
Jez speaks directly to the laptop
JEZ
He’s obsessed with doing poos
MARK
Turn it off Jez
JEZ
No
MARK
I only said to limit our meals regarding our own individual output and to also ration food and you to minimise your undiagnosed lactose intolerance
Jez
You’re not a Doctor and I’m not rationing anything
MARK
And your wanking
Jez closes the laptop
MARK
How did you use so much toilet paper it’s only been two hours
JEZ
I needed to go a bit
MARK
How often are you pooing in general?
JEZ
A few times a day
MARK
Great, so more than the daily standard. You can’t do anything normal can you
JEZ
I feel since Covid started I go more because I’m bored
MARK
This is ridiculous. This is beyond the pale, if you’re bored then get a job
JEZ
I’m trying
MARK
Bollocks. How many times a day am I dealing with. I’m not fucking around, how much poo Jez?
JEZ
4-5 maybe 6. Sometimes I have to shower afterwards
MARK
This is fucked. And I’m right about this dairy issue aren’t I. Have you had any milk today?
JEZ
In my cereal this morning
MARK
Hopefully that’s out of your system by now
JEZ
And two glasses just before
MARK
Before when?
JEZ
Before now, before the date
MARK
20 minutes ago. Two glasses for no good reason. We’re fucked. I’m pouring all the milk out now, you have to be stopped
JEZ
What about if you want a tea with milk
MARK
We’re down to the last roll Jez, I can go without my tea with milk
Mark begins to walk away toward the hallway
MARK
And no wanking either. If you do I’ll smash in your bloody fucking laptop, phone and your brain
JEZ
So in other words you’ll give me brain damage so I don’t wank
MARK
Yes Jez I will
1 PM – INT – LOUNGE ROOM
JEZ
Hey Mark
MARK
What
JEZ
Two things, sorry about this whole toilet roll scenario. My stomach has settled and I’m restraining and umm abstaining. I also would like to report that I’ve found an old partial roll which had dust on it near where we keep the mop
MARK
A partial forgotten dusty bit of roll near a mop solves nothing
JEZ
And I have some old t-shirts I’m willing to sacrifice for the cause
MARK
That won’t be necessary
JEZ
Come on don’t be like that. We’re in this together, like they keep telling us
MARK
(inner monologue)
Which is continued bullshit from them and him
JEZ
I’ve put my feelers out, even if it’s a roll or two here and there so we can last until the Patel supply comes through
MARK
Okay thanks. You just have to understand where I’m coming from. It’s not like how things normally are where you make the mess and I clean it up. I can’t pop down to the shops to fix all this and poos are inevitable, it’s literally a race against time. And I don’t want to get this virus from hunting around for bloody bog rolls and I don’t want you to either
JEZ
Thanks, you’re a solid mate
JEZ
(inner monologue)
A solid British stool mate
MARK
And going by the news this lock down isn’t going to end anytime soon
JEZ
Well don’t do that
MARK
Do what?
JEZ
Watch the news, it’s just all fear mongering
MARK
And how else are we going to know when things are happening? Carrier pigeon? Telepathy? Never mind, how was the date?
JEZ
Well she’s vegan
MARK
Oh
JEZ
Yeah
MARK
One of the preachy ones?
JEZ
Not too preachy so it could work. I’m sort of vegetarian so she’ll hold that over me
MARK
Did you tell her scientists believe they’ve found evidence that plants emit a noise when cut, that could be interpreted as a scream at a frequency we can’t hear?
JEZ
No, I’m saving that one in case she ever gets too pretentious
MARK
“In case”
Mark and Jez both laugh whole heartedly
1:15 PM – INT – OUTSIDE MARKS BEDROOM
Jez walks into Mark’s bedroom holding his phone
JEZ
Some woman has made bread out of her vaginal yeast
MARK
Come on, do I need to hear this
JEZ
Just reading what I see
MARK
As a society I hope that’s not where we’re headed
JEZ
(inner monologue)
Vaginas are amazing, they can make babies and bread
MARK
I’m going to call Ian. He’d be midway through his lunch break. Moment of truth
JEZ
Okay you have a nice birthday chat with your son, dad!
Mark calls Sophie’s phone and Sophie answers
SOPH
Hello? Mark?
MARK
Hey Soph, How’s things?
SOPH
Grand, just getting paid to answer calls that don’t come through, constant tech problems. It’s great!
MARK
Anyway just calling to speak to Ian for his big day. Did you give him my gift?
MARK
(inner monologue)
That from the moment I ordered I had been vigilantly tracking, which you didn’t tell me arrived until I asked. Hard to miss a fucking bike sized box
SOPH
Oh yeah first thing when he got up. Sorry I forgot to send you some photos with him on it. I’ll send them over. He loved it!
MARK
(inner monologue)
Really! You had your phone out and couldn’t think to video call me so I could’ve seen his reaction or send the photos subsequently since. I could’ve said Happy Birthday to my son and I could’ve avoided stressing all bloody morning. Fucking bitch, urghh. No Mark you’re the one that slept in on your own sons birthday. It’s your fault, she is still wrong but it is still at the very core your fault
MARK
All hell broke loose at corporate there was a company wide meeting
SOPH
Shit really? At first we thought you had slept in, Ian didn’t want to call and wake you. Sounds heavy
MARK
(inner monologue)
Your own son knew. My gosh Corrigan, you’re shit
SOPH
I showed him your birthday text
MARK
Thanks. By any chance is Ian there so I could wish him a Happy Birthday before he heads back to his online classes
SOPH
He’s out
MARK
Out where? it’s a school day and a nationwide lock down
SOPH
My parents took him out. It’s his birthday
MARK
But it’s a school day and a nationwide lock down
SOPH
Yes I know you already said that but no one goes to school on their birthday
MARK
Of course they do. Everyone does and he isn’t even technically going to school he’d be sitting at a computer at home. I have his class schedule
SOPH
Well I didn’t go to school on my birthday and Ian doesn’t either
MARK
(inner monologue)
Don’t get angry. I repeat don’t get angry
Jez walks past
JEZ
Hey Soph!
MARK
Jez says hi
SOPH
Hi Jez
Mark gestures to Jez that Soph says hi
SOPH
Hope you and Jez are having fun being locked down together, I’ve got to go
MARK
But I wanted to speak to him
SOPH
Just give my dad a call, you’ve got his number
MARK
(inner monologue)
Fuck!
MARK
Oh I wouldn’t want to bother Ian while he’s out having fun
SOPH
Fine then just call me around 6 I’ll be at my parents place by then
MARK
(inner monologue)
This could work out well. A quick video chat as the party begins, no awkward silences. I’ll wear a party hat
MARK
Okay great speak then
SOPH
Bye!
MARK
Actually Soph, what’s your toilet roll situation like?
(Call disconnects)
14:30 PM – INT – BATHROOM
Mark and Jez are having a beer as Mark is scrolling on his phone
MARK
So what is it that you have against social media?
JEZ
Social media more like docile media. When I noticed everyone our age were putting up pictures of their brunches. Pej with his kids ughh. Then everyone’s parents on it too, it was over
MARK
Quite the cynic you’ve become in your old age
JEZ
What are you even on about we’re like the same age
MARK
I remember there was a period in the noughties you had the whole challenge to sleep with someone from every social media platform
JEZ
Oh yeah MySpace, Hi5, Friendster, Facebook a few of those weird smaller ones that never took off. I pretty much stopped at twitter
MARK
Pintrest surprised me the most
JEZ
Oh yeah pin this (thrusts) I remember using google translate for a Turkish one, I still remember how to say “merhaba askim”
MARK
See your wants have no boundaries. I would’ve thought you’d have flourished in the age of dating apps
JEZ
No way dating apps almost scare me. It’s a little too forward, sort of like having a cheat code to the ending but the other party has the cheat code too and you’d think it’d be hot if they want it as bad as you do, but it’s just… a bit confronting
MARK
A strange new world
JEZ
Aldous Fuxley
MARK
(Laughs) Good work on the reference
JEZ
Thought you’d appreciate that
JEZ
(inner monologue)
Still haven’t read the book
MARK
Well Jez, look at you now doing it the old fashioned way hooking up with a job recruiter via zoom. No swipe right on me because I have abs bullshit. Real dick in the dirt type shit
JEZ
Dick in the dirt?
MARK
I don’t know, it sounded right in my head at the time
Jez gets his phone out
MARK
Don’t look it up Jez, mate. Just accept we don’t know what some things are in this world